Watermark (I’m Sorry)

No one should feel this alone.
(I hate myself for saying it)
I feel like a water-mark.
Here, yet almost invisible.
(You can hate me, too. It’s ok)
If they tell me they love and care,
Then they must.
I trust them more than I trust myself.
(Then why do I doubt their affirmations still?)
I love them more than they could ever love me.
(Why do they love? What do they see worth the love?)
What am I so blinded by,
That I can’t see what they do?
I’ve looked (as far as I dare)
And still see nothing to justify it.
(That’s not completely true)
I’m kind and generous and loving.
(To everyone but myself)
Am I these things because they love,
Or do they love because I am these things?
(Does it matter? Whichever came first,
we still have chickens and we still have eggs)
If I acknowledge these things
(loathing, hate, worthlessness)
If I can see them there and still don’t change,
That makes me even more horrible.
(I tried. I try. I’m trying!)
I wrong them by not letting them in when they knock.
I’m sorry. So very sorry.
(Apologies they’ll never even hear. Silly girl)
No one should feel this alone.
An invisible mark on the wall.
1.12.99/12.35am

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